06.18.04
thanks for nothing

well i feel like writing. don't know what to write about tho...

i took my summer school final today. i'm gunna miss being in that class. i was one of 4 students, and the only girl...i really enjoy small classes. it was fun, and brian is a great teacher...so yeah. it's gunna suck going back to 40 hrs at work. plus, i still have two papers to hand in for that class before summer's over...plus my online class which is still in session. so all in all...im just as stressed and busy as i am during the school year. le sigh.

oh...hear's a good story...

so i found out about men-1, right? the genetic whatever that i most likely have...well i told my endocrinologist (one of my many drs) that i wanted to be tested for it. because it's a genetic test, and because it's so rare, she had to send my blood to yale. yeah...that's right...yale. she told me that the results would take 8 to 10 weeks. how ridiculous is that?

so, finally, i get an appointment scheduled. she is out of town, so i have to take off work to go see her. i am tense enough as is, because either way...yes or no...the results of this test are going to be pretty important to me as far as future family goes, right? i mean...i want to know if my children (supposing i ever have any) are possibly going to be sick in the same way that i have been. and then mom tells me "oh, well dr. page (a friend of ours) mentioned that you might not want to be tested for MEN-1 because if you have it, you could be uninsurable"

what

the

CRAP!?!?!?

so i guess health insurance is for healthy people. people like me...with things growing in their head and neck...we just have to tough it out because the insurance company, which makes LORD KNOWS how much money, won't friggin cover us.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry...needed to get that off my chest.

so this is a pretty emotionally charged dr's visit, right. guess what i find out?

nothing.

honestly, i don't know why this came as a shock to me. i mean...ive had medical problems for how many years now? 6? how many hundreds of drs appts have i been to that were a complete waste of my time?

my dr even forgot to tell me about the test until i brought it up. she told me that the test is so rare, that the people who do it wait until they get several blood samples to run the same test on, and then do it all at once. so my blood is at yale, sitting on ice, doing NOTHING! thanks for nothing! grrrr!!!!

so...it was really...odd. i was so emotionally tense going in there...ready to either cry from relief because the results came back negative...or cry because my children will be sick and once i get taken off my parents insurance, who knows where i'll be. and i wind up...strangly empty handed.

geez...i didnt realize how very aggitated i was about this until i started writing this.

im just so...tired.

i know i say that a lot, but i cant begin to explain it. this just...weighs on me so much. im tired of being the sick girl. im tired of people looking at the scar on my throat that i have a hard time covering up. im tired of drs appointments. im tired of tests. im tired of needles. im tired of surgeries. im tired of people giving me that look when they find out that something else is wrong with me.

this isnt who i am.

people look at me...and it's like all they see is "chris dewelt's daughter" or "abby...she has a tumor"...and there's so much more to me, you know? and people never see that. they never want to...it's so much easier to just...not see me.

and i feel so alone. and i hate it. i hate that i always come back to this. how often do i write about it? how often have these feelings pulled me down?

i feel like i can't take it anymore, but what options do i have? it's not like i can just demand that the world provide me with a friend to talk to. seriously...i just have to get up each day and go to work and scan those stupid papers, and keep myself so busy that i dont have time to feel...

im so tired of feeling...im so tired of hurting...i just want it to go away...i dont want to be sick anymore...i dont want to be sick...

please just make it go away.

<< / >>