02.01.05
hardcore

hmmmm...

i dont really write about my faith in here a whole lot. which is odd, since it's a huge part of who i am. as in...it defines me, and i have absolutely no clue who i would be without it.

im such a coward. im not sure who i think will hate me if im candid about my religious beliefs, but that fear has kept me silent too long.

im a christian. hardcore. im one of those fundamentalist nuts that everyone seems to think were somehow dropped off on earth from planet "ravinglunatic". i dont party. my life, by most peoples standards, is a pretty quiet and uneventful thing. for years ive struggled though, wondering if this quiet, uneventful life is inspired out of devotion to the one true God, or if it is simply the life that has been ingrained into my head as the "right way to live".

i have bigger things to worry about than smoking and drinking and cussing. ive done all three, something which makes my more conservative friends cringe and my more liberal ones smirk. christianity is so much bigger than that. and it pisses me off when people make it into a petty set of rules rather than a relationship.

some people say that christianity is for the weak-minded. i say those people dont know what the crap they're talking about. perhaps christianity in america has become a crutch for the nominal believers who go to church to pray for their next raise, but christianity worldwide is a whole other ballgame. more people were killed for their faith in the past century than ever century previous combined. every single day, christians in other countries are forced out of their homes, beaten, starved, raped, sold, and killed simply for refusing to renounce their faith. think im making it up? do some reasearch. go to google and type in "christian persecution". and how do i know that these people arent making it up? because i know so many people who live overseas who are believers. and i know their stories. i know how close my roommate, who is from india, has come to losing her life or the life of a loved one because of their faith. i know people in africa, asia, south america...and its hard. it's so hard.

everyone's faith defines who they are. part of the reason im a theology major is because i honestly believe that there is nothing more important in life than a persons view of God. it defines their entire worldview, whether they are aware of it or not. it's like an onion. on the outside you see behavior. the next layer beneath behavior is a person's thoughts. the next layer below thoughts is a persons beliefs. and below a persons beliefs is what that person perceives truth to be. truth. "what is truth?" pilate asked jesus just before he sentenced him to die. it's a question that still resonates in culture today.

and yet, for all my rhetoric and logical thought...you cant logic your way through christianity. it is total surrender. it is being a living sacrifice. it is dying to yourself every. single. day. it is telling God that you will be his physical hands in this world. you will be his voice. you will display his love. when we take the name of "christian" we put off what we once were, and we put on Christ.

and as difficult as it is, it's a beautiful thing. dying hurts. its hard. it does not come naturally.

dying for me means telling God that if he wants to take my body and for reasons i dont know, allow this fragile body to be riddled with disease and pain and tumors, then i will sing his praises as he does so. you see, it's not about me. it's about his glory, and the fact that somehow through my frailty he is strong. when i am weak, his power is revealed. and that revelation...God showing himself to the world through me, it is what i live for. it is my ultimate purpose. it is what i was created to do. i was made to love him, and to guide others to love him as well.

how can i love a God who allows bad things to happen to me? i recognize that this is so much bigger than me. when i signed on, i joined something that is infinite, something that is eternal. like the song says, all we are is dust in the wind. and yet, for some reason, our creator has seen fit to allow us to partner with him, to partner with him in his sufferings, and in that to partner with him in his glory. they go hand in hand.

"foolishness to the jew and a stumbling block to the gentile." so many people will not understand what im talking about. to them, i sound like some brainwashed fool. and if i have been fooled, then i am to be pitied above all others. because im laying down my life, dying ever day, surrendering all that this world has to offer me, for a cause which is not real.

but it is real. and i rejoice in that knowledge. there is nothing more important. there is nothing else which i can dedicate myself to. so many people wonder why im doing what im doing. the other day my boss told me "abby you're a smart girl. go be a doctor or a lawyer. make money and be happy" but i know decades down the road, when i look back on the path i have forged for myself, i have to know that i did not settle. i have to give this my all. i have to. there is nothing else in life that is more important than this, the relationship between a man and his God.

does it scare me? more than you can possibly know. part of me wants to run off to law school and take the path which seems so much more logical and seems to make so much more sense. and yet...and yet...the thought of being 50 and having some part of me inexplicably empty, that scares me even more. He has consumed me. it is no longer i, but Christ who lives within me. and sometimes i forget that. sometimes i fail so miserably. i am silent when it is uncomfortable, i fit in when it is the easier option. part of me just wants to be like everyone else...

but that's just not an option. this is it. this is everything. either im in or im out, there is no half-way. this trying to do it on my own has gotten me nothing but a lot of sleepless nights and tearstained pillows.

so this is it. this is the point of no return. no more half way. everyone has to make their choice. it's all or nothing, and i choose all.

"for our God is a consuming fire."

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