12.28.04
the letter i'll never send

dear kyle,

i miss you. so much. sometimes...more than i would like to admit...i wonder if i didnt make the biggest mistake of my life when i broke up with you.

i promise im not as pathetic as i sound.

whenever i talk to you it seems like, i just make an ass out of myself. granted, we havent communicated in years. i guess i just need to say that im sorry ive always been so immature. even when you emailed me a couple years ago and we corresponded for a while...i was in a really odd place emotionally at that time. i was 17 and dating the only guy ive dated since we broke up, who was rather emotionally abusive. so i had issues, but i never said anything about it in the emails i wrote. anyway...i didnt write this to write about him. i guess i just need to make my peace...you got your chance to do that when you emailed me. i didnt handle it well. why is it that when it comes to you, i never handle it well? believe it or not, im not a sociopath, and normally and able to interact with people in a manner that is neither clinging or stand-off'ish, which seem to be the only two modes i can function in when i interact with you.

you shouldnt be allowed to make seriously life-altering decisions when your 16.

i dont know why im writing this. in my mind, ive been apologizing to you for the last four years, nine months and twenty-four days...and i guess i just need to get it out of my system once and for all. i know i made some half-assed quasi-coherent apology in that brief time of correspondence back in 2001, but i guess i just wasnt ready mentally or emotionally to say what i needed to say. i just didnt know what it was i needed to say. perhaps i still dont. but i have to say something.

im still angry with her, you know. the 14 year old version of me that lied to you and didnt have the guts to fess up until the damage ran deep. the 16 year old who broke the heart of the only man she's ever really loved and killed a part of herself in the process. the 17 year old who was so afraid no one else would ever love her again that she clung to a twisted relationship. the 21 year old who is still so hung up on her ex-boyfriend that she is writing this instead of reading the next chapter in "pride and prejudice" like she normally does before she goes to bed. im so angry, and i just cant...i cant let it go. i cant forgive myself for hurting you. i cant forgive myself for losing you. and i cant forgive myself for not having the courage to send this to you.

im sorry im so messed up. and im sorry that i have to take it out on you.

i hate being this way. i miss you so much it almost chokes the life out of me some days. and i hate the fact that you probably dont feel the same way. but i cant blame you for it either. and i understand if you're angry too.

bah...i need to see a therapist.

i feel like i have to close this chapter of my life. like i need to move on. make my peace. but i dont know how. someone, please, tell me how...

i wonder if your married with kids. you know...im surprisingly ok with that idea. i hope that you're happy. im not freakishly obsessed with you, no matter how the previous paragraphs make me sound. i wish you all the best in life. and...the dramatics aside...i'll be ok. i wont be angry and bitter with myself for the rest of my life, never able to move on. im not going to hire a private investigator to follow you around and tell me every detail about your life. im ok. some nights are just harder than others...and sometimes you just need to be overly emotional and theatrical and write it all down. which is why im not sending this. good lord, i shouldnt even post it in my diary. but what else are diarys for? so...le sigh...good night kyle. im sorry i'll never send this. i just dont want to drop that on you out of the blue, ya know? its just not fair. you shouldnt be blindsided by my emotional vomit and intense need of a good therapist from time to time. so, even though you'll never read this, i hope you are happy. all the best.

--abigail

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