07.06.02
feeling hate and choosing love

i hate you skyler. i hate you so much. i could never fully express the degree to which i hate you for affecting me so much by simply being a jerk. what you have done to me has carried over into so many aspects of my life, i cant even begin to pinpoint them all and im still trying to understand. i hate you for tainting the way i see myself. i hate you for making me flinch every time i see my reflection. i hate you for making me be unable to understand why people would want to be around me. i hate you for everything you said to me when you said you loved me. i hate you.

and i hate myself for buying into it. i hate myself for not being able to rise above it. i hate the fact that i can see it, right in front of my face, but i cant seem to be able to do anything about it. i hate myself for not being as strong as everyone seems to think i am. i hate myself for sounding so adolecent. i hate the fact that people are going to see this and think im being imature.

im just tired. im tired of it all. im tired of feeling like, no matter how much progress i make, i still have a mountain to climb. im tired of turning around and, oh look, i have issues in this area of my life that directly relate to what happened to skyler. im tired of forgiving him for one thing, and then finding out i need to forgive him again and again and again.

but i know ill keep doing it. what good does it do me to hate him? what good does it do me to hold on to these feelings? sure, it feels good to write it out, but to cling to it? then it festers, eats away more of me than it already has. i dont need that. i need forgiveness. i need to find my strength in a strength greater than my own.

skyler, i love you because i choose to love you. i forgive you because i choose to forgive you. and someday, i will stop having to remind myself every morning that i have forgiven you, and that i love you. i love you because i am called to love. i love you with a love that is not my own. and in that love, i will find my rest.

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