06.26.02
lone writer

to be a true writer is a very lonely thing.

it has come to my attention lately that having journals and writing out your thoughts has become rather trendy. you can go to any bookshop and find all kinds of journals for people to fill with all their essance and deepest feelings and fears. and quite honestly, its fine if someone wants to write, i dont have a problem with that at all, but i sometimes wonder if people stop to consider what its like to truly be a writer at heart, and just exactly what they can be pulled into. looking at this journal, its easy to assume i dont take my writing very seriously, and that i am not one who is as dedicated to the written word as many other people. but if you could see the drawers and files i have stuffed with scrap paper that i have filled, i think you might have a better understanding. but i digress. i think people just dont realize what it is to have such a silent partner. to express yourself on a piece of paper is to free what is inside of you to this void...and i really cant explain it well. some people have no problem expressing themselves to different people, or people like myself have someone that they tell everything to but still feel like they have not managed to convey all that is inside of them. that is why i write, to get it all out. and the reason that i keep an online journal is so that those who are close to me can, if they want, experiance all of that. but to be unable to truly express yourself without the assistance of inanimate objects is sometimes quite difficult. its confining in some aspects. and quite frankly, i dont think i would choose it for myself if it was a choice. if i could pick between being able to fully express myself to someone face-to-face, or to be driven to write, id pick the former, not the latter. and to have people feel that it is "neat" or "cool" to be bound to the written word...i really feel like they just do not understand. and honestly, i dont think they ever will. they are the kind of people who write in a journal once or twice before they misplace and forget about it. or they write and write and write, wanting to make themselves into something they are not, and they are convinced that they understand those of us with no choice, when all they do is make us into a mockery. dont you get it? you have it made. i would love to be more like you. but here i am, sitting in front of a computer, pouring out myself in a manner that many will not understand, even when they read this. its so lonely.

"to be great is to be misunderstood"

maybe im not great, but i think i understand where emerson was coming from.

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