02.10.02
what i want

i hate jealousy. it is in moments like these that i wish i could simply not feel a thing.

i cannot describe the desire within me to be loved. and not loved in the way that just anyone can love me. not loved in the way my family loves me, or in the way liz loves me, or in the way the rest of my friends love me. i dont think i could live without those things, but there is within me this dull ache that is eating away a hole inside my chest, and that whole seems to be continually being filled with the need to be loved.

i want to be loved the way kyle loved me, once. or the way skyler loved me periodically. or even better, the way richard loved arlisa and she loved him. i want someone to swing by places they think i'll be, just for the chance to catch site of me or even be able to speak to me. i want someones breath to catch when they see me in a crowd suddenly, unexpectedly. i want someones eyes to light up when i walk into a room. i want someone to yearn to spend time with me. to hear what i will say next.

i want to spend that time that seems to slip by too quickly as we get to know eachother. i want to experiance that oh-so-awkward first call where next to nothing is said in the span of 10 minutes. i want to listen to him attempt to get me to talk more, engage me in conversation. i want to see that slightly shocked expersion that always comes when people realize that i have a sharp wit and a slightly stinging sense of humor. most of all, i want him to pick my brain, be interested in my views and not be afraid to go to the deeper recesses of my mind with me. and in return i want to do the same with him. i want to talk about things and ideas that make both of us really think on things that the average 18 year old doesnt think on because they cant handle it. i want to be mentally worn out after a conversation. i want him to feel the same way.

i want someone who knows when to stand up to me. i want someone who can handle my temper on the rare occassions that it flares up. i want someone who is not afraid to keep me in line when it appears im about to go too far and say things i will regret. i want someone i can respect. someone i can trust.

i want someone who wants me more than anything in the world, more than anything else he's ever wanted or will ever want, but doesnt need me. i want someone who knows who they are apart from me. i want someone with goals and ambitions in life. i want someone who wants to take me along side of them and work with me towards those goals.

i want someone i know will never leave me. i want someone i know loves me, not by anything he says or does, but just the look in his eyes and the tone of his voice. i want someone who will just look at me and feel struck by love all over again. i want to look at him and feel the same way.

i want a partner. i want a friend. i want a leader. i want a lover, but not in the sense that most take that word. but rather, someone who is in the act of loving me. i want love to be actions even when the feelings arent there. i want love to be feelings even when the actions arent there.

i want to be seranaded. i want to find a rose out of the blue. i want someone to be thinking of me on valentines day. someone that isnt an ex. i want someone to write for me. and just for me. i want his friends to tell me how in love with me he is. how he seems to glow at the mention of my name.

i want it to be ok when the two of us walk into a room and go different directions. i want to be able to hang out with my girlfriends without feeling guilty. i want to be able to do things with liz without catching any flack. i want to be comfortable. i want to be able to enjoy long stretches of silence. i want him to be able to go out with his friends without my wondering what he will be thinking about the girls he sees.

i want to be able to trust us when we are alone together. i want to feel he values me as a person, not an object. i want him to pass up opportunities to kiss me. i want him to be fine with the fact that i dont want him to touch me in front of my friends. i want him to blush if i decide to flirt with him in public. i want him to flirt back, but not excesively.

i want him to make me laugh. i want to make him laugh in return. i want to be able to tease him without him becoming defensive or angry. i want him to let people tease me in good fun. i want him to realize that not every joking comment directed at me is a chance for him to defend me.

i want him to make me feel beautiful. i want him to smile at me, even when my hair is messed up and my makeup has worn off. i want to take his breath away when i dress up. i want him to accept me no matter how i look.

i want him to talk to my parents. i want him to value their advice and input. i want him to respect them and realize what wonderful people they are. i want him to love my family and realize what an awesome home they have given me.

i want him to believe in me. i want him to encourage me. i want to believe in and encourage him. i want to be the most important person in his life. i want to live in his eyes.

id settle for a shy invitation to a movie.

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